As a recovering people-pleaser, I have a hard time saying noto my mom, to my friends, to the waiter when they get my order wrong. Natalie Lue, the author of The Joy of Saying No, can relate. Growing up, she felt a tremendous amount of pressure to be good and do what was expected of her. Although her parents split when she was a toddler, Lue spent the rest of her childhood feeling guilty about dividing her time between households.
I received a clear message at an early age that you have to act a certain way to be accepted, Lue recalls. There were all of these messagesat home and at schoolthat if you are displeasing, then youre going to have problems. Its your job to make other people happy. Its your job to fulfill other peoples dreams. Its your job to overperform and give 100%.
Thus, a people-pleaser was born.
But there was a part of me that was over giving in friendships, family, at workI was burning out because I would overdeliver, overperform and always be super reliable, she says. And when my health was struggling because I have an immune system disease called sarcoidosis, I continued to overdeliver at work to overcompensate for doing something as terrible as being unwell.
By definition, people-pleasers put the needs of others above their own. While helping others has great mental health benefits, doing so at your own detriment can bring about negative consequences, such as stress and depression, as well as resentment.
People-pleasing is an anxiety response, says Lue. Whether we recognize it in the moment, or the aftermath, what were really saying is Im anxious about something. Im anxious about not being liked. Im anxious about being rejected. Or Im anxious that Im not going to get what I want. People-pleasing is a manifestation of anxiety, and its also me trying to manage my anxiety, which is only creating more problems for me.
Once we recognize what people-pleasing is and how it shows up in our lives, then we can make necessary changes. Below, Lue outlines a few that can help you get started:
Check in with yourself
Lue recommends spending a week getting to know inner people-pleaser by paying close attention to who and what you say yes to and what you say no or maybe to.
The average people-pleaser is high on yes, she says. Theres a maybe or two in there, but theyre low on nos. Look at where youre spending your yes.
Before committing to another activity or request, Lue advises implementing a pause and checking in with yourself (and your bodys stress signals) before responding.
A lot of people dont bother to check in about how they feel and acknowledge whether they want to or need to say yes, she says. Who is it that sets off your anxiety when you see their name in your inbox or on your phone? That tension inside of youwhere youre dreading opening up your phone because youre anticipating them asking you for somethingis a sign that you are people-pleasing.
Lue also encourages people to pay attention to their feelings, whether its resentment, guilt, overwhelm, helplessness.
These are what I call the people-pleaser feelings, she says. This is your body letting you know that you may have done a good thing, but for the wrong reasons. Your feelings are letting you know that youre out of integrity with whatever it is that youve agreed to.
Prioritize your no
This time of the year theres a lot of new year, new you going on, says Lue. But you dont need a new you, you need a new no. The reason you are in this place is because you have overspent your yesses. You are in overdraft on your yesses.
The first step in recovering from people-pleasing is figuring out when and where you can say nowhether thats starting with the barista at the coffee shop who got your order wrong or jumping all in and pushing back on demands at work.
When you are saying no authentically, you can also say yes authentically, says Lue. You are doing things that are really in integrity with who you are, your values and how you want to feel instead of doing them out of obligation or for some hidden agenda.
Embrace the joy of saying (and hearing) no
While a lot of people-pleasers have a fear of conflict, Lue maintains that no doesnt hurt feelings, dynamics do.
If you say no to someone and they have an issue with that, thats telling you about the dynamic between you and that personnot about the validity of your no, she says. Its also telling you that based on their reaction, you need to implement some boundaries. This is someone who doesnt hear no from you often enough.
But if we fear that were going to hurt other peoples feelings by saying no, then it may also mean that we believe its not okay for people to say no to us. So its important that we not only embrace our own no, but we respect hearing no from others as well.
If you dont say yes authentically, you say it resentfully, fearfully, and avoidantly and that leads to more problems than if you had just said no in the first place, says Lue. When we really embrace this and recognize that people-pleasing is a lie, we can have more intimacy and honesty in our relationships.
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