________________

Dear Komal,

Im in my late 30s, and I spent my 20s and 30s really focused on my career while looking for the person I want to partner in life with. In the last year, Ive hit a new peak in my career and met the love of my life. We got married, and now were family planning. Starting a family is time sensitive for me, but I also am navigating life with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and the implications that might have on conceiving. After working toward my dream career and family for so long, the highs have happened all at once and so fast.

I feel like Im playing catch up with emotions, realities, and the part of me that is so goal-oriented is looking at my fertility journey and seeing question marks everywhereI can do everything right and still not get pregnant. On top of this, the reality of taking time at this point in my career to start our family and the stress and uncertainty of it all even being possible and actually having kids feels overwhelming in ways I didnt anticipate. How can I enjoy my life with all of this pressure? I love my life, and Im so happy for my recent accomplishments, but Im also so scared that something is going to give. What if I cant have it all? 

Cant Have It All

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Cant Have It All,

Your question hits close to home. Im also in my 30s with endometriosis, and navigating the question mark of my fertility journey has been an ongoing and unrelenting act in surrender and acceptance. Every month I get my period, I feel another pang of disappointment that I may never achieve my dream of being a mother.

I want to acknowledge that this is hard, its complicated, and it takes time to process and navigate. Ive been with my partner for 14 years, actively talking about career and fertility, and we still revisit this conversation in new ways. How you feel is allowed to change on this journey, and youre constantly going to be making sense of things as your life unfolds.

As you face all this uncertainty while surrounded by so much joy and love, I want to share some advice I received a few years ago: Trust in the process of your life unfolding.

When my mentor first shared this advice, I was navigating something complex and traumatic in my late 20s, and I scoffed at its simplicity. But as time passed, it became an anchor for me through the hard times.

Now, what does that trust mean tactically? There are steps you can take to support the part of you that wants to be in control, while enabling yourself to surrender to what you cant. Ahead, I outline five steps you can take to help you on this journey.

I enlisted the help of womens leadership expert Tiffany Dufu to help dive into what some of these steps look like. She is the author of Drop the Ball, a memoir and manifesto helping women cultivate the ability to let go and thrive, and founder of an online peer coaching community, The Cru. Tiffany is someone whose resilience is inspiring, and who understands how to make your next steps more approachable.

1. Make yourself job descriptions to clarify roles and expectations

I was feeling her through this question because Ive felt that pressure before, says Dufu. The only way I was able to really reconcile and resolve it was to go back to the beginning. To ask, where did I get my expectations about what it means to have it all, and who I am to begin with.

There are multiple roles that we take on, or are assigned, throughout our lives. As a woman these can range from daughter, sister, friend, employee, boss, partner, mother, and more. Rarely do we question what the expectations of all these roles entail. 

Dufu offers an exercise to help anyone become more aware of the expectations they face. Make a list of the roles you currently hold in your life, and under each one make a list of the responsibilities you thinkor have been conditioned to believeit entails. Then create a list of what you actually want it to involve based on whats most important to you. You can even ask for input from those you love.

What youll likely come to realize as you write it all out is that a lot of your expectations around being a so-called good employee, wife, and future mother are not entirely your own, but rather projections from the world around you. Through this process, you can reclaim the standard youre holding yourself to. You can begin living life on your terms, with whats most true for you at the forefront.

By doing this exercise, you may come to realize that you actually dont want to be a mother. You may realize its something you really want, and youre open to exploring options you hadnt considered before in order to achieve it. You may realize that youre okay with prioritizing having a baby above your career at this moment in your life, or you may realize there is more youd like to do at work and in life before going all in on your motherhood journey. Wherever you land there will be some compromise but it is okay.

2. Slow down, and take in the view

As achievers, its in our nature to accomplish our goals and move on to the next. Enjoy the love and success that is right in front of you. It all has happened so fast, so let yourself take it in. We often forget that when we reach a certain peak in life, we can actually pitch a tent and take in the view for a while before continuing on.

I can imagine youre rolling your eyes at this analogy just like I did when I first heard my mentors advice, and feeling the pressure of the biological time crunch youre facing. You can still make progress on a plan while enjoying your life as it is now.

Consider the things youd like to do with your partner that you havent made time for yet, and write them down. The trips youd like to take, the dates youd love to go on, the small moments you want to be present for. Enjoy the process of making your couples bucket list together. Come back to this list as you navigate challenging moments during your fertility journey and (try to) enjoy them.

As you process all the recent changes and wins in your life, continue to cultivate time and space for connection with the people you love. When we navigate difficult and celebratory seasons, research shows that leaning on and staying connected to our community is a powerful tool to maintain positive well-being. Keep calling your friends and family, keep making plans with your people, keep traveling. Share whats in your heart, and try to be fully in this period of figuring things out. You might be surprised how many others around you are navigating similar challenges.

Hard times become lonely when we forget the love we are surrounded by. Soak it in, and let it help you through this season.

3. Prepare for the worst and expect the best

Candidly, this is something my partner and I are in the midst of doing ourselves as I navigate my own fertility journey. Although it seems clinical to approach motherhood with a specific timeline and strategy, doing so can also help you relax into the process because you took action with the things you can control.

Create a timeline that includes key triggers for making certain decisions and actions when it comes to parenthood. Do this with your partner, or on your own and then share with them. 

It is important to acknowledge that fertility journeys can be expensive and this can be a major barrier. With that in mind, take a close look at your available budget, what your insurance covers, and what works best for you. From there, work to find a doctor who will support you throughout your journey and connect you with the specialists you need. Its a good idea to develop scripts for how to respond to prying, well-meaning, or ignorant questions from friends, families, and perfect strangers that will inevitably come up along the way.

Regret often stems from inaction, or wishing we had done something differently. Planning the logistics of becoming a mother is a helpful way to mitigate these feelings. 

In this process, also take note of your boundaries. Ask yourself: What are you willing to do on this journey, and what is a no for you. When will you make the call for your body and mind if trying to become a mother is taking too much from you? 

Once your motherhood plan is outlined, add to it from the list of things you want to do with your partner and accomplish at work. Know that you probably wont get it all done, but that youre allowed to try to grow your family and still live a present, full, connected, and happy life. The plan wont ever be perfect, and it will likely have to shift and evolve in real time, but that is life.

4. Define your North Stars

When were in the midst of navigating difficult periods in life, it can be really hard to trust the process. Its easy to get lost in the chaos of it all. This is when having clearly defined values and goals as a couple can be really useful. Dufu calls this defining your couples compass or your personal compassI like to call them my North Stars. Whatever you call them, they can help guide you when youre making major decisions.

If having children is one of your shared goals, there likely will be short term sacrifices you both have to make. Those sacrifices, however, dont have to detract long term from the other goals youve defined for yourselves.

Take some time with your partner to be candid about your fears about having a baby and what it means for your career. Work together to define (or redefine) a North Star that includes both of your ambitions for your careers. Having this defined will help you ensure your career goals dont get left behind even when prioritizing growing your family.

5. Give yourself the permission youre seeking

Part of trusting in the process of your life unfolding includes trusting yourself. You got yourself here! You created a life that youve been dreaming of, from your career high, to now exploring starting a family. You created a life of joy, love, and impact.

You can certainly trust yourself in this next chapter ahead. Whether you end up having it all or taking what comes along and making it right for you, you are up to the challenge. Take care of yourself and your needs, plan what you can, then give yourself permission to surrender and be present with the rest.

Youve got this.

Until next time,

Komal

So finds early career network Handshake in a survey of 1,400 new college grads and soon-to-be college grads, in which 73% said they wanted stability. Despite 263,000 jobs added last month and a nearly 53-year low unemployment rate, recession predictions and recent layoffs have instilled a sense of work anxiety among Gen Z, reports The New York Times Emma Goldberg. 

This uncertainty has some career coaches throwing the traditional five-year plan out the window, she wrote. Instead, theyre advising young adults to opt for a two- or three-year plan. Historically, five-year plans were meant to help young professionals lay the groundwork for a career they wanted, but pandemic upheaval has shown the importance of going with the flow.

Flashback to 2020, and you can see where insecurities regarding the future began. Tim Pietz, a college senior at the time, told Fortune about how his dream internship at HarperCollins was taken away when the pandemic first hit. At the time, the unemployment rate had surged to 14.7%the highest rate since the Great Depression. It just makes me very uncertain about where I might be going now professionally, he said. And I feel like I cant really actively pin down any jobs because everyone else is so uncertain they dont want to hire. 

While the classes of 2021 and 2022 fared better amid a hotter job market that spurred the Great Resignation, recent graduates are still feeling worried over a new set of economic problems. A majority (78%) of workers are anxious about their job security should a recession hit, according to a survey this past summer from Insight Global. And Gen Z adults are preparing for a recession more than anyone else, curtailing spending, delaying big expenses, working longer, and taking more jobs than any other generation.

Gen Z is more likely to be prepping for a potential recession because this would be the first recession they experience as an adult in the workforce, Jovan Johnson, certified financial planner and co-owner of Piece of Wealth Planning firm, told Fortune. Gen Z has a greater fear of the recession because they have never experienced one firsthand as a working adult. They dont know what to expect.

Younger generations have certainly been getting the shorter end of the stick since millennials graduated in the wake of the Great Recession, only to find the American Dream of a house and financial stability a secure career promised to bring would be almost impossible to achieve in a rocky job market and with massive student loan debt.

We were sold this myth and it didnt pan out and were left holding the bag, Travis Rapoza, age 31, told Fortune in November. Can someone please give us a hand? Can you not see how bad we are hit? 

Gen Z, unwilling to fall into a similar path, has been trying to take matters into their own hands, job hopping at higher rates than other generations to land a better salary (although many millennials did this early on in their careers as well). 

As younger generations become more disillusioned with the traditional career trajectory and industries continue to evolve, a five-year plan becomes less and less helpful, making the idea of the dream job become just thata dream.

As Tiffany Dyba, a recruiter, told Goldberg, Now people are like, Is this job remote? And I need to know the compensation right now. Its not about the dream job anymore.

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Alley died of cancer that was only recently discovered, her children True and Lillie Parker said in a post on Twitter. Alleys manager Donovan Daughtry confirmed the death in an email to The Associated Press.

As iconic as she was on screen, she was an even more amazing mother and grandmother, her childrens statement said.

She starred opposite Ted Danson as Rebecca Howe on Cheers, the beloved NBC sitcom about a Boston bar, from 1987 to 1993. She joined the show at the height of its popularity after the departure of original star Shelley Long.

Alley would win an Emmy for best lead actress in a comedy series for the role in 1991.

I only thank God I didnt have to wait as long as Ted, Alley said in her acceptance, gently ribbing Danson, who had finally won an Emmy for his Cheers role as Sam Malone in his eighth nomination the previous year.

She would take a second Emmy for best lead actress in a miniseries or television movie in 1993 for playing the title role in the CBS TV movie Davids Mother.

She had her own sitcom on the network, Veronicas Closet, from 1997 to 2000.

In the 1989 comedy Look Whos Talking, which gave her a major career boost, she played the mother of a baby whos inner thoughts were voiced by Bruce Willis. She would also appear in a 1990 sequel Look Whos Talking Too, and another in 1993, Look Whos Talking Now.

John Travolta, her co-star in the trilogy, paid her tribute in an Instagram post.

Kirstie was one of the most special relationships Ive ever had, Travolta said, along with a photo of Alley. I love you Kirstie. I know we will see each other again.

She would play a fictionalized version of herself in the 2005 Showtime series Fat Actress, a show that drew comedy from her public and media treatment over her weight gain and loss.

She dealt with the same subject matter in the 2010 A&E reality series Kirstie Alleys Big Life, which chronicled her attempt to lose weight and launch a weight-loss program while working as a single mother in an unconventional household that included pet lemurs.

Alley said she agreed to do the show in part because of the misinformation about her that had become a tabloid staple.

Anything bad you can say about me, they say, Alley told the AP at the time. Ive never collapsed, fainted, passed out. Basically, anything theyve said, I never. The only true thing is I got fat.

In recent years she appeared on several other reality shows, including a second-place finish on Dancing With the Stars in 2011. She appeared on the competition series The Masked Singer wearing a baby mammoth costume earlier this year.

She appeared in the Ryan Murphy black comedy series Scream Queens on Fox in 2015 and 2016.

One of her co-stars on the show, Jamie Lee Curtis, said on Instagram Monday that Alley was a great comic foil on the show and a beautiful mama bear in her very real life.

Alleys Cheers co-star Kelsey Grammer said in a statement that I always believed grief for a public figure is a private matter, but I will say I loved her.

Another Cheers co-star, Rhea Perlman, recounted how she and Alley became friends almost instantly after she joined the show. She said Alley organized large Easter and Halloween parties and invited everyone. She wanted everyone to feel included. She loved her children deeply. Ive never met anyone remotely like her. I feel so thankful to have known her.

A native of Wichita, Kansas, Alley attended Kansas State University before dropping out and moving to Los Angeles.

Like Travolta, she would become a longtime member of the Church of Scientology.

Her first television appearances were as a game show contestant, on The Match Game in 1979 and Password in 1980.

She made her film debut in 1982s Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.

Other film roles included 1987s Summer School, 1995s Village of the Damned and 1999s Drop Dead Gorgeous.

Alley was married to her high school sweetheart from 1970 to 1977, and to actor Parker Stevenson from 1983 until 1997.

She told the AP in 2010 if she married again, Id leave the guy within 24 hours because Im sure hed tell me not to do something.

___

Rancilio reported from Detroit. 

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