There comes a time in every therapy journey when you have to decide if you should stay or you should go. It could be for a multitude of reasons: Youve switched health insurance providers; youre moving to a new state where your therapist isnt licensed; or youve simply realized its time for a change.
In the third instance, you may be tempted to ghost, but doing so can actually cause more harm than good, according to Minaa B., an author, licensed therapist, and wellness coach.
I do think ghosting is a sign of emotional immaturity because if youre ghosting, then youre not doing the work of learning how to manage conflict. Theres so much courage in saying, Im ending my sessions with you, she says. But it can be really difficult to say because of our own emotional discomfort. We think were supposed to manage other peoples emotional responses, but youre not responsible for peoples feelings. You can be mindful of how you communicate, and you can be caring of other peoples feelings, but youre not responsible for them.
Reflect on your current situation
Before you break up with your therapist, Minaa suggests reflecting on why you want to end the relationship and whether youve tried resolving those issues in therapy.
If youre someone who is conflict-avoidant or youre a people-pleaser, avoidance is often the first step some people take to resolve certain issues, she says. But that really doesnt resolve anything. Theres vital information and vital things you could be working through actively in therapy that you miss out on because youre using avoidance as a tool to manage discomfort.
If youre uncomfortable stating your issues aloud, Minaa suggests writing out what you want to say to your therapist outside of your sessions. She offers using the prompt, When my therapist did this, it made me feel that.
The next step is bringing that list to a future session to share with your therapist. You could say, There are some things I want to share with you, and I need to read it off this paper, Minaa suggests.
Alternatively, you can send an email to your therapist and write, I want to share some reflections from our session today that I didnt have the courage to say in person, and this is something Id like for us to discuss in our next session.
That is still you addressing conflict, says Minaa. No, youre not speaking out loud to the person, but the whole point is to communicate your needs and express yourself. A very good therapist is always going to want to circle back and address your email.
Engage in self-trust
If youve tried communicating your needs, and youre met with constant pushback, then it may be time to move on.
Where theres a lack of safety and a lack of trust where you can sense your therapist is not willing to hear your perspective, be empathetic, or hold a safe space for you, those are all grounds for breaking up with your therapist, says Minaa.
If thats the case, Minaa suggests communicating directly to your therapist by saying, I want to end sessions with you.
You are going to gain so much growth from speaking up and being bold in your truth versus ghosting and never learning to communicate endings or never learning to communicate when youre uncomfortable, she says. If you ghost in a therapeutic relationship, I want you to think about how it trickles to other areas of your life.
Find a new therapist
To avoid repeating similar situations in future, Minaa suggests doing a consultation call with a new therapist before committing to sessions to get a feel for his or her style and determine whether its a good fit for you. But dont get discouraged if it takes some time to find a good match.
Unfortunately, sometimes even after the consultation call and first session, we realize they may not fit our needs, says Minaa. I do understand its exhausting and its kind of like dating, but you may have to go through a few different people to find one who is the right fit for you.
